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286
 
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Last Login: 02/01/2009 23:59:34
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Gordon Brown or Gordon the Useless One as he is known by
some of his colleagues was looking for a lady of the night.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a
brunette and a redhead
. To the blonde he said, 'I am the Prime Minister of
England. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time
with you?' She replied, £3200.'
To the brunette he asked
the same question.
Her reply was =£3100.
He then asked the redhead
Her reply
was, 'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up
as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, get that
thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and
keep it rising like the price of petrol, keep me warmer than
it is in my flat and screw me the way you have Pensioners,
then it isn't going to cost you a bloody penny!'
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Pentium
Group: Moderators
Last Login: Today @ 00:10:26
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One especially for spike
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is long enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
" It's okay" he says "'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own fares."
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Pentium
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Today @ 21:48:12
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1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Dave H
What is the difference between genius and stupidity? Genius has limits. - Albert Einstein
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Pentium
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Today @ 18:59:26
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When I was a kid my dad taught me that saving money was a great idea.
Whenever I had a spare penny, he told me to put it in my blue box.
When I had enough I would swap them for a ten pence and put them in my red box.
When I had enough tens, I would swap them for a fifty pence and put them in my black box.
Took me years to learn that I was feeding the gas meter!
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Pentium
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Today @ 00:03:00
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Just bought the kids a new "diet" advent calander from Manchester,windows boarded up
___http://dinglecommunityfootballclub.com/_______________________________________
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Pentium
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Today @ 18:59:26
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John Davies (21/09/2008)
Got a chuckle out of this one too!!  Official Announcement: The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Portcullis to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of p****s, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. Hmmmm ..... it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
.... the Conservatives have also decided to change their logo to a condom, but one with a pin through it. This symbolises all the same attributes as the new government logo with the exception that it doesn't actually work.
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386
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Today @ 22:34:46
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Visits: 1,719
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Shamelessly stolen from an un-named American standup comic.
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Numbers 10 and 22 cover me quite well at the moment.
Apologies to Dwynnehugh and Tippon for the duplicates.
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Pentium
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Today @ 21:48:12
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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Commonwealth Police Drug Department and that the dog was a “sniffing dog”.
“His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.”
The plane took off, and once it had levelled out, the Policeman said, “Watch this.”
He told Sniffer to “search”.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm.
The Policeman said, “Good boy”, and he turned to the man and said, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”
“Gee, that’s pretty good,” replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm.
The Policeman said, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”
”I like it!” said his seatmate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to “search” again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to **** all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, “What’s going on?”
The Policeman nervously replied, “He’s just found a bomb.”
Dave H
What is the difference between genius and stupidity? Genius has limits. - Albert Einstein
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